Infertility and Having a Baby

I am lucky. I was able to get pregnant with my first child and give birth to a wonderful little human being. I am also lucky to be married to someone with a well-paying job and to be employed at a reasonably-paying job myself. I get to work at something I generally enjoy doing and get to keep that part of my identity. I am able to afford sending my child to daycare (although the working-mom guilt is totally real) and I am able to buy them things that I want to buy them.

And I do.

I try to savor every moment I have with my little one because, even though we have always planned on having more than one kiddo, in the back of my mind I always worry this could be the only experience I ever have with this. I could be experiencing all this sweet little firsts, but on the other side, I am potentially experiencing all these bittersweet little lasts. The last time I have a little one in newborn clothes. The last baby I get to get cute nonsense toys for. The last baby I get to make baby blankets for. The last baby I got to breastfeed. And on, and on.

So I shamelessly buy the cute little clothes for my child, even though they aren't really needed. When I see a cute toy, I'm going to consider buying it. When my little one falls asleep on me, I consider just letting them nap there (but often I don't, because they nap better in their crib). I let the clutter happen, and the chores pile up sometimes, because I want to enjoy being with my kiddo in their tiny years, because I may never get another set of tiny years to experience. I drool over cute cloth diapers and consider getting just another cute style, because I may never have another baby in diapers. I want to experience everything with my child and I am afraid I am going to miss out.

My husband tends to stay looking at the positive. He is certain we will have another baby. But in the darkest corner of my heart, I am afraid. Afraid I am going to let him down, afraid I am going to let my little one down because having a sibling is a wonderful experience. Afraid that I am defective. My infertility haunts me because we have always assumed we would have more children, but in reality, this could be our only baby.

Opening Old Wounds

Hello again. It's been awhile.

My little olive is now 18 months old and we are getting on the roller coaster again. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I love my toddler so much and there is guilt there about having another child because there won't be the same amount of attention to go around. We always wanted more than one child though, so here we are again.

We unsuccessfully started not not-trying when our little one was 12 month old, while I was still breastfeeding (I loved the idea of tandem feeding and was super hopeful that I could get pregnant while breastfeeding). With no since of my cycle restarting, or me being pregnant, we set the date of 18 months to wean our toddler and start seeing a doctor again; lucky for me and my mom guilt, the little one self-weaned at 17 months.

I've been to the doctor now, and we have a game plan, but there was definitely a gut punch when the doctor matter-of-factly noted I was there for Infertility Counseling. Currently I am waiting impatiently for my period, which should be the result of taking the week of progesterone pills to induce it. So I feel sad, bloated and defeated.

I'm on the roller coaster again and I'm not looking forward to the ride.

Pregnancy and Infertility

I have known for most of my life that I was likely going to be battling with infertility, even before I knew what infertility really was.  I remember I used to casually tell my friends that, “Oh, I had a bad infection/surgery and I might have a hard time having kids.” It was something my mom had told me when we talked about how my appendix burst when I was four.  It was just part of the story.  How “the doctor took extra time cleaning out the infection, making sure none got left behind because he wanted to give me the best chance for having kids in the future” because infertility after appendicitis is not unheard of, but being so young I might be able to heal with no issues. So the discussion about infertility started early, even if the “I” word was never specifically said.

Recently I realized that I grew up consciously and subconsciously knowing that growing my family would be difficult.  When the topic of children came up with my husband (long before we got married) I warned him that, while I definitely wanted a bunch of kiddos, it might not be that easy.  Then I was diagnosed with PCOS (read about that here) and still, it was just kind of whatever.  I was warned it might be an issue, but because we weren’t trying for kids it didn’t really sink in; instead, it just joined the background information about why it might be harder to get pregnant, something that hovered in my subconscious and was only paraded out when having kids was brought up.  It was the future, and I used that as a shield. Every so often, it would make it through my armor and I would be sad and depressed but I would push it away, to deal with in the future.

If you’ve be reading my blog you know that once we started trying for kids, the longer were tried, the rougher the emotional roller coaster got.  If I am honest with myself, I admit that getting pregnant took less time than some people with PCOS.  Sometimes it makes me feel like an infertility imposter.  There are woman who took years longer than I did to get pregnant, and I only took 16 months.  It’s still hard to believe I am actually pregnant.  I have seen my baby on an ultrasound; I have seen their little heartbeat and watched them move and wiggle and dance, but still it seems surreal. I’m also always paranoid that this might end badly.  I’m hoping this will wear off, but for now I am hovering between fear and optimism.

I think the game changer for me, in dealing with my infertility and shortening my battle, was knowing early.  We didn’t try for a year, and then seek out help only then to get diagnosed with an infertility issue.  While my husband didn’t want to jump straight to anything harsh or invasive to treat my infertility, I started the journey by seeing a doctor and starting with a battle plan.  I had medical support in my corner from day 1. What I think also helped, in some small way, was I was able to come to terms with my infertility slowly over my entire life but, on the other side of that coin, I feel like it is also what makes it hard for my pregnancy to sink in.  Basically for my whole life, I told myself I might not be able to have kids, so now that it’s happening it doesn’t feel real.

I’m hoping that once I can feel the baby moving, the reality will set in.  For now, I am optimistically excited and  I am trying to enjoy being pregnant (now that I have survived the first trimester).  I am getting antsy to start really planning a nursery and baby registries.  I want to create everything for my baby, so I feel like that is a good start. 

The Glow

(continued from The Glimmer)

So after seeing the potential good news from the ovulation test (after all, this is waaaay past the proper, allotted viewing time), I glance over at the pregnancy test.

...

There was the faintest of lines.  What? Huh?  I had never seen a positive line on a pregnancy test before, except the one time that I looked at a test the next day, so it was totally an evap line (long story short, I may have made a slight fool of myself, and told a couple people discreetly (although I did preface it with that doubt (because I knew it could be an evap line)) and opted out of drinking at a bachelorette party ... and tested every couple of days after that, with negative results, so OBVIOUSLY not pregnant).

So I was still freaking out ... I had taken plenty of pregnancy tests of this brand and never, ever had an evap line with this brand of tests. So I call my husband in to see if he sees it (he does) and explain that we shouldn't get too excited because it was after the viewing time, but at the same time I had diluted my pee because I was testing a theory (and even though I am normally scientific about these things, I didn't even think to do a control pregnancy test on undiluted urine).  He suggested using one of the spare early pregnancy tests, to see what happens (without waiting for a build up in the bladder, to concentrate the urine).

...

The Glimmer

The thing was, July was crazy.  After the news from my friends, I had two solid days of self pity.  I was unhappy, tired and just down in the dumps.  I had an emergency vent day with a close girlfriend, and we started talking about me.

Well, since my last cycle wasn't normal, I was having some doubts and questions about it.  So during our ladies night, I was telling my friend about the hook effect and how I was wondering if that was the case for me.  It is very rare (*cough* highly unlikely *cough*) but to test for it, you dilute the test urine and then test with a regular HCG pregnancy test.  So that night, I went home and tested for ovulation (it was day 19, if we were counting my last period) and then I added water and tested for pregnancy.  I waited and was impatient ... and nothing happened (note: if you do have the hook effect, after dilution, the lines come out very dark).  The ovulation test was looking a bit darker than it had been, but negative on the pregnancy test.  So instead of torturing myself and waiting the full 5 minutes in hopes of a faint line (let's face it, I wasn't pregnant), I decided to go watch TV with my husband and just relax.

About a half hour later, I wandered back into the bedroom and glanced at the tests as I was changing into more comfortable clothes. The ovulation test was almost positive, so I breathed a sigh of relief, like "Finally a positive ovulation test, maybe this is the cycle.  We can finally time this right and just maybe we can get pregnant soon."

To be continued ...

Back on the Rollercoaster

So a few weeks back, I thought I had noticed some spotting in my underwear.  I was thinking, "Bummer, here's my period." but it never progressed past the two spots I first noticed in my underwear.  I started getting excited.  I started feeling crummy (slight nausea, fatigue, and occasional headaches) which made me super hopeful.  I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative.  I figured I had tested too early. I was convinced I was pregnant (like 75% convinced, the other 25% was telling myself not to get too hopeful). I waited for a week, and took another one.  Still negative.  Now I was only 50% convinced.  I waited another week.  Negative.

So now I was back to being cynical and apathetic about it.  I told myself I wasn't pregnant.  I told myself that if I kept up in that vein, not only would I stress myself out (during this three week span, my anxiety levels were pretty high (which might explain the nausea)), that I would drive myself crazy and have a phantom pregnancy.  So I took myself in my hand, gave myself a stern talking to and invested in some tension relieving essential oils (a mix of wintergreen, basil, chamomile, and rosemary).

Last Friday, I got my period.  It wasn't the same as my period has been.  My periods of late have been a reasonably heavy flow, and bright red.  This one was light and brown, and just not all that healthy seeming.  So I am concerned that I have been slacking off too much this past cycle. I haven't been exercising as much, and I have been more lenient in the reduction of sugar intake.  So I am thinking my hormones have been slacking off too.  A poor lining is a side effect of hormonal imbalance, so I am vowing to myself that I need to get my energy level back up and focus on exercising again.  I am already trying to eat better, so after I get done treating myself (I allow a sugar splurge during my period) I am going to work on resisting the temptation of sugar.

I am going to try and relax and not worry about the future so much.  I am back on the roller coaster, let's see how many ups and downs this ride will have.

All Clear!

So I got all the results back from my blood work and HSG test and according to my doctor everything looks fine!  (*cue mini celebration*) I looked over all my results and everything is in the normal range (because, y'know I'm a doctor (not)) and according to the x-ray tech the dye from the HSG flowed well, so there is no blockage.

I am super relieved!  So far, with the testing we've done, it looks like we are just dealing with my PCOS, so I am going to be kicking up my charting a notch.  If we better know when I'm ovulating, then we might just get lucky. :)

Also, we are still waiting for my husband's results, so maybe its a combination of factors.  We are expecting his results by the end of the week.

So far, this is good news.  So we are going to try for the next couple of months, and then we'll go back to the doctor and re-evaluate.  The next step with probably be something like Clomid to encourage (better) ovulation.  So fingers crossed!

Let the Testing Begin!

So I got my period, which means it is time for testing ... fun fun.  This morning I want in for a fasting blood draw in which they are testing blood sugar and hormone levels.  I also peed in a cup (TMI?) but I'm not sure what that was for (I am assuming sugar or something).  I have an hysterosalpingography (HSG) test scheduled for next week.  That is a dye test that check to see if my fallopian tubes are clear.  From what I here, it's an uncomfortable test and I am not exactly looking forward to it.  In fact, I am kind of terrified of the results.

Scarred tubes have been one of my biggest fears in trying to get pregnant.  I have had abdominal surgery/infection before and it is a possibility that my tubes could be blocked. I am afraid that the results are going to confirm this, and that there is nothing I am going to be able to do.  I have been feeling less that perfect lately, like I am the thing that is holding my husband back from his goals in life, and if I get confirmation of this, I might (high probability) be a huge mess.  

So wish me luck.

Infertility Awareness Week

I'm a few days late but, it's infertility awareness week, so share it around!

The "I" Word

I wrote this blog post over a year ago, right after the call to make my first appointment to consult with a doctor about getting pregnant.  I was still a bright eyed, hopeful (naive) person, that thought that maybe I would be lucky and that I wouldn't be effected by the issues I knew I had.  That maybe it could be easy. I wasn't yet analyzing everything and I hadn't yet felt the disappointment of trying without results. I was still new to all of this.

~
It had always been there, lurking in my subconscious.  I know I have these issues, in fact, I have read a ton of people's experiences with these issues.  I find the human body fascinating, and this time was no different, other than the fact that I was also effected by this one.

My husband and I are still newlyweds, but we have started talking about having kids, or at least trying, soon.  His sister just had a sweet little girl, and we definitely want kids, so we thought we'd start trying on our anniversary, which is still months away.

Well, I have lady part issues, aka PCOS or Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and it was diagnosed a couple years ago.  For me, it has always meant irregular periods and wacky hormones and being on the pill.  When it was diagnosed, kids were a dream for the future, not the present. So I knew, when my husband and I started talking kids, that I wanted to see a doctor before we started just so we were prepared for what might happen.

So this morning, I called the doctors office to set up an appointment with an OB-GYN so I could talk to someone who knows more about these things than I do.  Everything was going nice and smooth, when she said, "So this is about infertility, right?"

My heart sank and tears came unbidden to my eyes. Infertility.  That is an aspect of PCOS that I had never applied to myself.  I mean, why would I?  I have had these issues since I was a young teen, and even after I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted kids but not for years yet.  Through all my reading, I KNEW that infertility and PCOS go hand in hand, I had read the stories of people who had a hard road to getting pregnant, but I never made it that personal.

So I managed to finish making my appointment, then I broke down into a sobbing ball in my big chair.  I just couldn't handle it.  I have always, ALWAYS, wanted kids and that word means it may not happen.  Infertility.  I feel like I am a broken commodity. My husband has always been super supportive, he was even at the doctor's appointment with me when I got diagnosed and when the doctor explained what it all meant, but I don't think he has accepted this personally either.  It wasn't our reality yet.

I could just be being silly; overreacting before we even get started, but boy, does it hurt my heart.  I want to be a mom, but my body might just get in the way.

Working Through Some Stuff

My birthday passed and I am officially 26 and not-pregnant. The past month and a half have been a roller coaster of up's and down's. My emotions have been all over the place (not terribly surprising) and every time I get my hopes up, because I think I feel pregnant (not that I know what that feels like) I get confirmation that, of course, I'm not pregnant. I had my period once since the last time I posted, and I am back in the "Two Week Wait" ... except I'm not.

I am now part of a Facebook group of awesome ladies that are trying to conceive, and they like to talk about the dreaded TTW (two week wait) between ovulation and getting their period, or being able to test to see if they are pregnant.  The problem is, I have what I call the "2+ Week Wait" because I don't know when I ovulate and therefore, don't know when to test or when my period should arrive. I am officially back in the "+" part of my wait, and this morning's tests (ovulation and pregnancy) were both negative. So I'm still waiting.

In addition to the "Trying to Conceive" group, I have also officially joined an Infertility group as well.  We've been trying for over a year now, with no pregnancy (failed or not) and I am finally accepting that I fall into this group.  It's been tough, but it doesn't feel as raw as it did when I first heard that term where it might apply to me (I wrote a post, my first post about my journey, but never published it.  I will soon.) So now that I am more accepting of this, I have had a doctor's appointment, and tests have been ordered.  I just have to wait to schedule them until I get my period. So more waiting.

Happy Leap Day!

I have always loved the idea of leap year, so I thought I'd throw in a small update on this fun, special day. No signs; of either a period (except some minor PMS symptoms, perhaps) or of a positive pregnancy test.  So yeah, I am still wandering around in a land of uncertainty. Fun. 

Mixed Signals

So yesterday, I was all out of sorts, so my friend suggested I take a pregnancy test and an ovulation test kit, since I'm not regular. In theory, these random symptoms I might be feeling (see: hypochondriac) could be from either ovulating or pregnancy.

I mentioned my thoughts to my husband and he was convinced that taking both tests would be a good idea.  So I did.

Drum roll, please .... and ...

It was a negative pregnancy test, but a faint positive ovulation test.  So, in theory, I could be building up to ovulating, or I could be coming down from ovulating.  In theory, my five week cycle would mean that I should test again in one week, and that my hormones might be coming down from ovulating.  The last theory, is that a ovulation predictor kit can potentially detect pregnancy ... so basically all of the options are open.

Can you see what I mean about mixed signals?  So I will be doing a couple more ovulation tests, to see if I am about to ovulate, and I will probably test in a week to see if I am pregnant ... fingers crossed!

(Also, feel free to ignore the crazy lady over here ... haha.  I just needed to vent out all my anxiety and nervousness)

On the Brink

So, I feel like there is a huge weight bearing down on me. I am on day 27 of my cycle, and that means that I am only a day or two away from starting a new testing cycle (a test a week or so, until my period makes an appearance).  There is a lot riding on this cycle.

My husband and I said we would not-not-try to get pregnant for a year, and then we would talk about taking more proactive measures.  That year is marked by our wedding anniversary, which is mid-March.  That means that this cycle is the last cycle of our first year of semi-trying to get pregnant.  My doctor told me that a majority (I can't remember the exact percent, but I feel like it was like 80%) of people, even with fertility issues, get pregnant in the first year.

What if I'm not pregnant? Does that make me defective?

I am afraid that I'll never get pregnant. I am not great at visualizing things in my head, and the image of myself getting pregnant, I can't get to form.  I look down at my belly, and I can't see myself pregnant.  Maybe it's just not meant to be? I can't think like that, but something these self-defeating thoughts are hard to shake.

I'm so nervous about this cycle. I feel like I am over-analyzing all of my potential symptoms.  I feel bloated, occasionally queasy and I am definitely emotional.  Could I be pregnant? Possibly.  Could I not be pregnant?  Possibly.  Am I totally stuck in my head?  Most likely.

I want to be pregnant so much, I just adore the new little babies that I am surrounded with.  It's just tough.  I don't want to let down myself or, even more so, my husband.  I know he wants to be a daddy so much, and I want to give that to him with my whole heart.

I'm nervous about the potential future, full of fertility testing and possible fertility treatments.  It's kind of terrifying, that's a whole new world to delve into.  A big, ominous world of medical intervention.  It's not exactly a comforting thought.

But for now, I just have to wait and see.  I will try to be content to torture myself by watching television shows about babies and crafting cute little things for my nephew and Widdle Man.

Wish me luck, patience and peace of mind.

Baby Dust

So it's been crazy around here lately!  My nephew, whom I lovingly call "Little Man", decided to come three weeks early and was born at the end of January, instead of waiting for Valentine's Day.  We jokingly say he really wanted the red birthstone.  He has the chubbiest cheeks, oh so cute! 

So my husband and I scurried to help get their house ready for Little Man, cleaning all his bedding and blankets and clothes, because my sister-in-law and her husband hadn't quite prepped yet for him.  My niece had to be helped along into this world (she was comfy in-utero, for sure!) so they expected the same for baby number 2, but my nephew was impatient to make his appearance!

So we basked in the glow of Little Man for a couple days, when my other good friend went into labor and had her little boy! The boys are so close together, I call them twinsies!  I have dubbed my friend's little boy, "Widdle Man". He has the darkest red lips!  He is a cute little goober too!

So I am swimming in newborns!  In fact, I spent nearly an entire day with my friend and Widdle Man, getting to cuddle him and love on him and her (of course!) Then, the next day, I spent with my family and Little Man, watching the Superbowl.  I got awesome cuddle time with him too; fun fact, I may have fallen asleep with him on my chest (also asleep) and slept through the third quarter ... oops.  I'm not much of a sports person, can you tell?

I am hoping that all this time with babies rubs off on me, and helps my body want a baby too.  Fingers crossed!

... Or Maybe It Is?

So I posted yesterday about not reading the signals correctly and not being in tune with my body, well apparently I gave up on myself too early.  I wrote that post yesterday in the afternoon and was feeling absolutely crummy all day.  When I got home last night, I realized I was getting my period yesterday evening.  So It wasn't exactly the same as the last cycle, but close!

My last cycle was 5 weeks, and this cycle was 5 weeks and 2 days.  Not bad, considering I had a bunch more sugar with the holidays, and the stress of the shower tomorrow.  I am now in a contented-ish mood (bittersweet as periods are)

... however, I have to admit I cried this morning when my Friday breakfast sandwich was screwed up.  It was big ugly tears, over a sandwich.  Wow, aren't hormones great? Haha.  Time to drink some water and take some ibuprofen.

The Force is Not So Strong with this One

So my vibe detection was off.  I didn't start my period on Monday, and I failed a pregnancy test on Tuesday, so I have no idea what my hormones are doing to me at this point.  I have been super up and down, and it is just exhausting.  This morning, I woke up and felt like ... blah ... stomach not so bueno, headache, etc.

So I am trying to put it out of my mind and focus on the baby shower on Saturday.

Hopefully my mojo works itself out, and I can get more in tune with my body.  I thought I was, but yeah, not so much. Back to the drawing board.

Knock on Wood

So lately I've been wondering if my cycle is normalizing (knock on wood, let's not jinx this!) ... probably not but I am now a week late (if I was having a normal 28 day cycle) and I definitely feeling hormonal. Definitely mood swing-y (I cry at everything lately, especially Alan Rickman dying, rest in peace) with anger being the predominant emotion.  Everything seems to irritate me lately, which is not fun, but generally it swings back to normal fairly quickly and reliably.

So what I was getting at is I have been feeling PMS-y lately, which bodes well for a period coming soon (I tell myself not to hope too hard for the alternative).  If I am listening to my body right, and its not playing a trick on me, it seems like I might be on par for the exact same cycle as the last one (fingers crossed!) and that in this theory, I might be gearing up to start on Monday (exactly one week over, like last cycle)..

Last last cycle, I reduced the sugar (after the crazy burst of it around the holidays) and I have exercised a tiny bit more this cycle, along with taking Metformin, of course (although kind of sporadically this time around (I am bad when my routine gets fudged, like around holidays and visiting with family)).

So yeah, that's my update so far!

I am also entering a crazy zone, because I am planning my sister-in-law's baby shower (which is in 8 days, yikes!) and I am still not done with the gifts I want to make for her! Also, the shower is at my house, and wouldn't you know, my house has some water leaking in from the last rain so I need to scrub and dry the carpet on top of everything else ... phew!

But the shower should be super cute, and I have some lovely ladies helping me get everything together so I am positive it will turn out great!  I will try to get some pictures I can post here. :)

#pcoscysters

I have this amazing (truely awesome) friend who I talk to all the time.  She also has PCOS and she often is my sounding board for my concerns and negative emotions.  She always listens patiently and can easily relate to how I am feeling.  She is super easy-going and can always bring a smile to my face.

Like a few days ago she tagged me in a post on Facebook, linking to this article:

"11 Things You Will Only Know If You Have PCOS"

It's not like this is new information, but seeing it all laid out and explained in an easy way made me smile, and made me instantly want to tag all the people who are invested in my pregnancy journey so they could read it and understand.  So I thought I'd share it with those people who read my blog (hi!).

It's awesome to have a friend who understands what you are going through, who sends fun, relatable articles.  It's awesome to have a Cyster :-)  I encourage everyone to try and find a Cyster to talk to, even if it means just leaving a comment below.

Trying for a Healthier Lifestyle

Our focus right now is trying to get/be healthy. While yes, we want to be pregnant, my husband and I agree that getting healthy and losing some weight would be the best thing to focus on at the moment.  Let’s not stress about trying to get pregnant at the moment, but let’s see if it happens as we work on getting into better shape.  So we are as we laughing say, not-not trying to get pregnant.  We are trying to let nature take its course. My husband is better at this mindset than me, I can't really get "getting-pregnant" fully out of my head.

So it the interest of being accountable and sharing my progress with you, I weigh as of my last doctor’s appointment, 230 pounds.  I have semi-recently embarked on my journey of eating better. I cut out excessive sweets and sugar about a month and a half ago (with one cheat day we dub “Sunday Night Sweet Tooth”).  Almost everything I read talks about how sugar and PCOS don’t play well together, which makes sense since insulin and blood sugar play into PCOS.

The next step for me was to reduce my caloric intake.  There’s a calculator I used to estimate the number of calories I am supposed to eat, based on my activity level.  I am not great about exercising, so I chose little to no activity.  So according to the calculator, I need to eat around 1800 calories a day.

Calculator can be found HERE.

Of course, lately I have been having a few more sweets because I can't avoid temptation as much as I would want to during the holiday season, there are sweets everywhere and I have a massive sweet tooth.

Typically, I have a small bowl of cereal for breakfast (~350 calories), then a small snack, like snapea crisps (~100 calories), then lunch that consists of a salad with feta cheese and a protein (~250-300 calories) then another snack, typically grapes and nuts (~400 calories, a bit higher than most snacks, but nuts have a bunch of calories), and dinner usually comes in around 600 calories, and that's usually a lean protein dish made at home or a smarter choice from a fast food place (we are not perfect!).

I have been terrible about getting up to exercise in the morning and I am not very self-motivated to exercise, so unless I have a buddy I typically don't exercise.  My husband is more motivated in the morning and typically doesn't want to go for a walk with me after work (I don't want to go alone when it gets dark so early, either).  So my exercising routine is basically non-existent.

Hopefully I can get my act together before the new year!