The "I" Word

I wrote this blog post over a year ago, right after the call to make my first appointment to consult with a doctor about getting pregnant.  I was still a bright eyed, hopeful (naive) person, that thought that maybe I would be lucky and that I wouldn't be effected by the issues I knew I had.  That maybe it could be easy. I wasn't yet analyzing everything and I hadn't yet felt the disappointment of trying without results. I was still new to all of this.

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It had always been there, lurking in my subconscious.  I know I have these issues, in fact, I have read a ton of people's experiences with these issues.  I find the human body fascinating, and this time was no different, other than the fact that I was also effected by this one.

My husband and I are still newlyweds, but we have started talking about having kids, or at least trying, soon.  His sister just had a sweet little girl, and we definitely want kids, so we thought we'd start trying on our anniversary, which is still months away.

Well, I have lady part issues, aka PCOS or Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and it was diagnosed a couple years ago.  For me, it has always meant irregular periods and wacky hormones and being on the pill.  When it was diagnosed, kids were a dream for the future, not the present. So I knew, when my husband and I started talking kids, that I wanted to see a doctor before we started just so we were prepared for what might happen.

So this morning, I called the doctors office to set up an appointment with an OB-GYN so I could talk to someone who knows more about these things than I do.  Everything was going nice and smooth, when she said, "So this is about infertility, right?"

My heart sank and tears came unbidden to my eyes. Infertility.  That is an aspect of PCOS that I had never applied to myself.  I mean, why would I?  I have had these issues since I was a young teen, and even after I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted kids but not for years yet.  Through all my reading, I KNEW that infertility and PCOS go hand in hand, I had read the stories of people who had a hard road to getting pregnant, but I never made it that personal.

So I managed to finish making my appointment, then I broke down into a sobbing ball in my big chair.  I just couldn't handle it.  I have always, ALWAYS, wanted kids and that word means it may not happen.  Infertility.  I feel like I am a broken commodity. My husband has always been super supportive, he was even at the doctor's appointment with me when I got diagnosed and when the doctor explained what it all meant, but I don't think he has accepted this personally either.  It wasn't our reality yet.

I could just be being silly; overreacting before we even get started, but boy, does it hurt my heart.  I want to be a mom, but my body might just get in the way.