My husband and I said we would not-not-try to get pregnant for a year, and then we would talk about taking more proactive measures. That year is marked by our wedding anniversary, which is mid-March. That means that this cycle is the last cycle of our first year of semi-trying to get pregnant. My doctor told me that a majority (I can't remember the exact percent, but I feel like it was like 80%) of people, even with fertility issues, get pregnant in the first year.
What if I'm not pregnant? Does that make me defective?
I am afraid that I'll never get pregnant. I am not great at visualizing things in my head, and the image of myself getting pregnant, I can't get to form. I look down at my belly, and I can't see myself pregnant. Maybe it's just not meant to be? I can't think like that, but something these self-defeating thoughts are hard to shake.
I'm so nervous about this cycle. I feel like I am over-analyzing all of my potential symptoms. I feel bloated, occasionally queasy and I am definitely emotional. Could I be pregnant? Possibly. Could I not be pregnant? Possibly. Am I totally stuck in my head? Most likely.
I want to be pregnant so much, I just adore the new little babies that I am surrounded with. It's just tough. I don't want to let down myself or, even more so, my husband. I know he wants to be a daddy so much, and I want to give that to him with my whole heart.
I'm nervous about the potential future, full of fertility testing and possible fertility treatments. It's kind of terrifying, that's a whole new world to delve into. A big, ominous world of medical intervention. It's not exactly a comforting thought.
But for now, I just have to wait and see. I will try to be content to torture myself by watching television shows about babies and crafting cute little things for my nephew and Widdle Man.
Wish me luck, patience and peace of mind.
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