#pcoscysters

I have this amazing (truely awesome) friend who I talk to all the time.  She also has PCOS and she often is my sounding board for my concerns and negative emotions.  She always listens patiently and can easily relate to how I am feeling.  She is super easy-going and can always bring a smile to my face.

Like a few days ago she tagged me in a post on Facebook, linking to this article:

"11 Things You Will Only Know If You Have PCOS"

It's not like this is new information, but seeing it all laid out and explained in an easy way made me smile, and made me instantly want to tag all the people who are invested in my pregnancy journey so they could read it and understand.  So I thought I'd share it with those people who read my blog (hi!).

It's awesome to have a friend who understands what you are going through, who sends fun, relatable articles.  It's awesome to have a Cyster :-)  I encourage everyone to try and find a Cyster to talk to, even if it means just leaving a comment below.

Trying for a Healthier Lifestyle

Our focus right now is trying to get/be healthy. While yes, we want to be pregnant, my husband and I agree that getting healthy and losing some weight would be the best thing to focus on at the moment.  Let’s not stress about trying to get pregnant at the moment, but let’s see if it happens as we work on getting into better shape.  So we are as we laughing say, not-not trying to get pregnant.  We are trying to let nature take its course. My husband is better at this mindset than me, I can't really get "getting-pregnant" fully out of my head.

So it the interest of being accountable and sharing my progress with you, I weigh as of my last doctor’s appointment, 230 pounds.  I have semi-recently embarked on my journey of eating better. I cut out excessive sweets and sugar about a month and a half ago (with one cheat day we dub “Sunday Night Sweet Tooth”).  Almost everything I read talks about how sugar and PCOS don’t play well together, which makes sense since insulin and blood sugar play into PCOS.

The next step for me was to reduce my caloric intake.  There’s a calculator I used to estimate the number of calories I am supposed to eat, based on my activity level.  I am not great about exercising, so I chose little to no activity.  So according to the calculator, I need to eat around 1800 calories a day.

Calculator can be found HERE.

Of course, lately I have been having a few more sweets because I can't avoid temptation as much as I would want to during the holiday season, there are sweets everywhere and I have a massive sweet tooth.

Typically, I have a small bowl of cereal for breakfast (~350 calories), then a small snack, like snapea crisps (~100 calories), then lunch that consists of a salad with feta cheese and a protein (~250-300 calories) then another snack, typically grapes and nuts (~400 calories, a bit higher than most snacks, but nuts have a bunch of calories), and dinner usually comes in around 600 calories, and that's usually a lean protein dish made at home or a smarter choice from a fast food place (we are not perfect!).

I have been terrible about getting up to exercise in the morning and I am not very self-motivated to exercise, so unless I have a buddy I typically don't exercise.  My husband is more motivated in the morning and typically doesn't want to go for a walk with me after work (I don't want to go alone when it gets dark so early, either).  So my exercising routine is basically non-existent.

Hopefully I can get my act together before the new year!

Good News?

So as of Monday, this being probably too much information, I officially have had my period!  It's bittersweet as usual; however, this cycle has given me a glimmer of optimism.

(Warning, I do tend to over-share and the next part might be a bit much for some people, so feel free to stop reading here as the pertinent information is that I had a fairly normal cycle.)

It is my shortest cycle to date (not including those controlled by the birth control pill) at only a week over a normal 28-day cycle. Not bad, considering I have had to have a provera cycle in the past.  Also, it's my heaviest flow I have had in a long time (not counting the provera cycle).  In my oodles of internet research, I read that women with PCOS have lighter periods because their hormone levels tend to be lower and inconsistent, so the lining doesn't build up as much.  With this being a heavier cycle, I am hypothesizing that means that my hormones were at a more normal level throughout this cycle, allowing for my body to go about it's business the way it is supposed to.

While I am not relishing the typical side effects of my periods (i.e. cramps and nausea) and I'm a bit rusty dealing with a heavy period, I am cautiously optimistic.  I feel like maybe cutting way back on sugar has helped me tremendously, since this is really the first whole cycle where I had done so, and it is the shortest.  The next shortest cycle I had was when I was exercising regularly, which I had not really done at all this cycle (I really need to work on that).  So if I can get my butt in gear, and continue on the lower sugar intake and exercise I might get myself in a good place. Definitely more smiles this week, that tiny, tiny voice is winning this round.

(Cue small "yay!")

'Tis the Season

This song has struck a chord with me for this season.  I love the haunting, kind-of-rock spin to this Christmas classic.  I have listened to it like crazy.



I love Christmas music, and my taste has always been very diverse, but songs with a more serious or sophisticated flair have always held a special place in my heart (think, Carol of the Bells).  This song fits well in with those.  Seriously, I have listened to this song like a dozen times, if not more (I have listed to it twice through already getting it embedded and typing up this post.)


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Hope vs. Pessimism

That's the ongoing battle in my head at the moment, or to be honest, it has been going on since I have been trying to get pregnant.  I am just a bit too neurotic not to notice when I have a random change in my body.  Then it's the proverbial game of "Am I pregnant?"

In theory, if I had a normal 28 day cycle, my period would have started last Monday; shockingly (*sarcasm*), it did not. So I have started up the weekly testing cycle again.  I took one before my "missed" period (or should I say "missing") because I am driven myself crazy with imagined symptoms; negative. Then for the past week, it has been a battle in my head


...



"The water from our fridge is tasting funny, but the husband says he doesn't notice anything, am I pregnant?"

"Come on, let's be realistic, you're not pregnant, stop stressing yourself out."

"I have been more tired lately, maybe I'm pregnant ..."

"You've felt this way before and all the tests are negative.  Be realistic."

"It would be perfect if the test came out positive, it's a little early, but we could surprise everyone for Christmas."

"You're getting your hopes up for nothing."

"No matter what, I will have kids of my own, even if I have to adopt them. For sure, I will have a little one to love."

"I would love to experience the feeling of a baby growing inside me."

"It's never going to happen."

"Maybe this test will be the one."

"The app says I'm ovulating soon, so there's still hope?"

"Don't get your hopes up.  Your just making yourself anxious."


...


And so on, in circles in my head.  I found that trying to stay in the mindset of "not pregnant until proven otherwise" helps keep me in a better mindset overall.  In theory, it means that I will be surprised at myself when a test does potentially show positive; as well as, I am not utterly defeated when I get a negative test.

But there is always that glimmer of hope that I can't squash that says to me, "Maybe you'll be proven wrong this time.  Maybe you really are pregnant."  As much as I feign indifference, I am am optimist at heart.  When I enter a raffle, I am always like, "Oh, I never win these" but there's a tiny, tiny voice deep inside me that says "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe you'll win,  It's your turn this time."

So every time I take a test, that tiny, tiny voice whispers, "Maybe this time, maybe you'll win."

Let's hope that voice is right.

Tea Update

So I have been, with the help of a friend, trying out some teas.  I haven't gotten to red raspberry leaf tea yet but I am working my way up.  My friend loves (LOVES) tea and was excited to introduce me to it and happy to share a ton of the flavors she has.

So far I have tried a few, here's the ones I remember:
Watermelon Zinger
Lemon-something
Blueberry herb (err ... I am terrible at remembering names)

...
There were six or so of them, but it's been awhile so yeah ...


Although my favorite smelling one is Yogi's DeTox Tea, I think it smells kind of sweet like baking (my friend promptly thought I was crazy) and I almost enjoyed the taste of it.  However, it didn't sit well on the stomach (maybe I was really in need of a detox!) so I although I may try it again in the future, it is going to take some time before I drink it again.  I really didn't mind the taste though, and my friend swears by it (she said if she is ever not really feeling good, she will drink a cup and it helps her immensely) so I am not completely giving up hope.

My friend sent me home with a small variety of teas to try, like honey chamomille and red raspberry leaf(!) amongst others, but it took me a while to even drink one tea at home (the detox tea).  So I will eventually get around to trying another, I'm sure. Someday.

Ha.

136 down ...

... 864 to go

(p.s. there's some new paper in the mix!)

Rough Week

So it's been longer than I have been meaning to let it get between my blog posts, but I was having a rough week (or so) and I'm not in the clear just yet.  I have been feeling in a bit of a fog lately and I haven't emerged from the other side.  I would go to start a passionate blog post about something that has been stewing for while, but I would get about three sentences in and lose all motivation.  The words wouldn't come; it wasn't flowing out of me like I wanted it to.  My mood has been just meh, and that explains while I am failing to be invested in writing.

A member of my little school community passed away recently, and while I didn't know her well, it has definitely been affecting me.  I can't get her out of my head.  I may have graduated, but I still have a connection to school and to the hardworking students who are still there studying.  I met this girl, and interacted with her on a semi-regular basis.  She had a lot of potential, and now she is just gone. She will be missed, for sure.

So sorry for the gloomy post, but that's where I am right now.  I am trying to work through it, get motivated about something (currently making handmade Christmas gifts for my niece and other family members, and potentially making new Christmas presents) so hopefully I can share that with you soon.

On a more positive note, I did have a (semi)healthy cycle so I am able to take a small breather before getting back on the roller coaster.  I was definitely glad to get my period naturally (with the help of Metformin, but no other hormones) so that means I did ovulate, in theory. It has definitely been bittersweet. I am going to try and get more exercise into my routine this cycle and see if that helps everything along too.  Fingers crossed!

3.6%

Only 964 to go ...

Drained

I need to rein in my emotions.  They are completely exhausting. I feel like I use my hormones as a scapegoat when I am having a bad day.  I want to burst into tears because someone cut me off on the freeway?  Hormones. I want to cry because of some imagined slight by my husband? Hormones.  I get all teary because my car is just as temperamental as I am? Hormones (maybe on the cars part too!)

Maybe hormones do have something to do with it, but I think I also need to work on just letting stuff go.  Not be so sensitive when something is not going my way, or when I am having a bad day.  Everyone has bad days, I am not special.  Not everyone cries over it.

I might be being too hard on myself, but the tempest of emotions are exhausting.  I have been all over the map the last couple of days and it makes me crazy. Or am I crazy because of hormones ... ;-p

You decide.

(p.s. I need a nap)

Running Marathons in my Head

Today is one of those days that I am completely stuck in my head.  According to my period tracking app, Glow (which I absolutely love and recommend), I am late for my period.  However, as good as Glow is, I am irregular so there is only so much that algorithms can do to try and predict my cycle.  So in theory, I might NOT be late for my period, see my conundrum?

So my mind is going in circles, over-analyzing everything I am feeling right now.  I am nauseated, is it morning sickness?  I am emotional, are my hormones going crazy? I’m tired, is it a symptom?  I have had a couple of strange dreams, maybe my body is trying to tell me something?

Or, you know, it can all be in my head.  I had a sore throat for the past few days from a mild head cold, so maybe my ailments are all side effects of being sick. Or maybe I am a total hypochondriac and I am just driving myself absolutely crazy.  It’s all very trying on my nerves, so I am making myself anxious.

I know the best thing to do would be to relax and just let nature take its course.  Stressing isn’t helping anything, and we aren’t trying-trying, so why am I doing this to myself?  Tomorrow I take a pregnancy test, one of potentially many (woo … weekly testing). It’s an emotional rollercoaster that I chose to ride, and it can be intense.

Wish me luck, or wish me a period, either will work for me at this point!

999 to go ...

So I have always loved origami, since I was a little kid. I would go to the school library and check out books on how to fold the pretty little pieces of paper. If I didn't have origami paper I would use construction paper, computer paper, napkins, etc ... I was obsessed.

I think it all started with the story of Sadako Sasaki. My teacher told us her story one day in class and I was mesmerized. The story as I remember it told to us in school was that Sadako Sasaki was a little girl in Japan who was one of many who were effected by the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan during WW2. She got cancer from the radiation and was hospitalized. While in the hospital, she started making paper cranes in the hopes of folding the 1,000 necessary to be granted a wish. Her wish was to become healthy again. Unfortunately she was unable to finish her goal before passing away. Now there is a statue of her in Japan where people go and place cranes to honor her.

I remember seeing the statue of her draped in strings of colorful paper cranes and I was enchanted. So I went to the library and checked out a book and taught myself how to make a paper crane. I was hooked. I tried out so many different things from those books, but the cranes and the story of Sadako Sasaki have always stuck with me. I have always been able to fold cranes ever since.

Now I want to fold my own 1,000 cranes. I am not really a superstitious person, so I don't think I will be getting a wish granted but I know what my wish would be anyway. So I have officially started folding these little paper birds.

I have folded a lot of cranes over the span of 15+ years (including strings of them for a friends wedding) but I am going to start this little batch with the number 1 and eventually I may make it to 1,000.

Wish me luck!

Dirty Bland Water

So I don't like tea.  I think of it as dirty, bland water.  I don't think it tastes good and I'm not sure why people drink it. But as I do more and more research about living with PCOS and changing my diet, this tea, red raspberry leaf tea, keeps popping up.

I see captions like this a lot! Via

It is purported to have a ton of great health benefits and it suggested for women who are trying to increase their uterine health, woman who are pregnant, and even for women (and men!) who are trying to increase fertility.  I have a friend with PCOS who tried it and she had mixed reviews.  She doesn't really think it helped her get pregnant, but it was good tea and it couldn't hurt, right?

So I am really tempted to try it.  I typically don't put much stock in alternative medicine, but there are a couple of things that I give more credence to, herbal remedies and essential oils.  These things have been around for ages, and they were the medicine around before Western medicine was a thing.  But I have never tried either of them.

But tea is just tea.  It is considered safe for pregnant women, and if it doesn't work, its just more liquids that I am drinking.  It would give me an alternative to water right? (I gave up soda a while ago, and I am trying to stay away from juices because I am reducing my sugar intake) So I am really considering it.

This brings me back to the problem of, I don't like tea. The only tea-ish thing I kind of like is the Peach Green Tea Lemonade from Starbucks, so it's all mixed up (plus green tea is fairly mild, right?Maybe? Or am I making that up?).  So I am looking for ways to make red raspberry leak tea for palatable without adding a ton of sugar to it.  I was thinking of trying to mix it with lemonade, but my friend acted kind of leery at the idea (she's tasted it, I haven't yet).  I am thinking I need a few possible ways of changing the taste without losing the benfits of the tea or adding too much sugar to it.  Any ideas?

Searching through Pinterest, these are what I have come up with so far:
> Adding lemonade (gotta find one that's not too sugary)
> Adding milk (English black tea style)
> Adding honey (might work in the short term, but honey didn't make tea that much more palatable for me before)

I am thinking about trying this recipe out:

Labor-aid Recipe Via

The recipe seems to be lemonade like, but not mixing in lemonade. It seems to be vaguely what I want? Maybe?  I am going to experiment, I'll let you know how it goes!

My Diagnosis, Part 2

(Continued from Part 1)

So, I go into the appointment, not sure what to expect.  I had only ever had one pap smear.  What could they even tell me? Was I going to be one of those “I didn’t know I was pregnant?” stories?

The nurse practitioner was a very nice, older lady.  She does a preganacy test (negative) and after we talk, she suggests getting a full blood panel to see if my blood could tell us what was happening. 

Fast forward, and we get the results.  She informs me that my testosterone levels are higher than they should be and she recommends I go and see an endocrinologist.  So I set up an appointment with the endocrinologist (who was absolutely fabulous!) and she orders more tests.

So two pelvic ultrasounds later, and I am back in her office with my husband (then boyfriend).  She informed us that the ultrasounds confirmed her suspicion, and that I had a small cyst on one of my ovaries.  I felt blank.  What did this mean?  Obviously something was wrong, but how broken was I?

She informed me that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  The endocrinologist was super upbeat though.  She made sure I knew that this would be a serious issue, but she didn’t let me wallow in worry.  She asked if we were trying to get pregnant to which my boyfriend and I looked at each other and kind of laughed.  With me still being in school and us not being married, children were not on our mind at that point. Plus I was 22, so there was still plenty of time for us to think about it. That’s when Dr. V smiled and said that when the time comes, there were things we could do to get pregnant, and she never made it seem like there was a doubt that I could get pregnant. 

She also said that there isn’t a cure for PCOS, but that losing weight would help me and that the treatment for PCOS is birth control pills to regulate my period, because I needed to have a period to maintain better uterine health (you need a period every three months at least to lower the risk for uterine cancer). So I went back on the Pill, with the idea of children sometime in the future.

I stayed on the pill, until a year after my husband and I got married, when we agreed we would start trying for a tiny human. J

Emotions can be Scary

So I was going to post up Part 2 of my diagnosis story, but I had to put up a post about my crazy morning.  I’m pretty sure I traumatized my husband, because you know emotions are scary (especially when unpredictable).

A bit of back-story first … my husband and I have had the same bed for a long time, and it had lived on a hand-me-down frame that was one of those adjustable types.  Before us it housed a king bed, and we adjusted it down for our full bed.  Well, this particular frame had a metal bar that stuck out a bit farther than the mattress that I (on many separate occasions) found with my shin.  I am a bit accident prone like than.

Well, recently we had upgraded our bed to a premium queen bed (which we got for cheap thanks to an amazing friend/coworker of my husband) which had been living on the floor because our current frame, while adjustable, wouldn’t work for the mattress (because of our lack of box spring).  So this past weekend, we picked up a new frame from IKEA.  After going back and forth on the pros and cons of each style, we settled on one that we thought would be awesome and work well for us and our kitties (we have a scaredy-kitty that likes to hide under the bed).

We then proceeded to put it together, testing our marriage (we jokingly call it “IKEA: the wrecker of relationships”), with only minor bickering and miscommunications. Viola!

Well, I don’t know if it was the new frame, general restlessness, or potentially hormones (maybe (hopefully!) I’m ovulating?) but I slept awfully last night with a ton of tossing and turning.  So this morning I was tired, grumpy because one of our kitty terrorists decided to regale us this morning for an hour before our alarms went off, and generally just ready to go back to bed and give up on the day. I managed to get dressed and started to get moving, when WHAM!

I struck my knee against the frame of our new bed. While normally I would let out a curse or two and walk it off, this morning it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I hobbled out into the living room where my husband was waiting for me and when he asked what was going on, I promptly burst into tears.  While he stares at me completely confused, I sink into my chair still sobbing and I respond that I am just overreacting and to ignore me (although I suppose it is kind of hard to ignore the crazy crying lady in your living room).

As I am crying, I get a flash to the night before of my husband and myself, as we stand and survey our finished work, and I start to laugh, while still sobbing, mind you. The night before, my husband made the observation that the footboard of our bed sticks out farther than our mattress by a inch or so on each side, something we hadn’t thought about while shopping. “That might be a problem for you,” he told me (as he is well aware of my problems with our previous bed frame). Well, when this flash of memory struck me, I think “well, wasn’t he so right? I didn’t even last 24 hours!”

For whatever reason, in that moment to my overtired brain, it was the funniest thing in the world so I am hiccupping between laughing and crying, while my husband it probably thinking “What in the hell is wrong with you?” but instead asking “Are you okaaaaay?” Well, I managed to pull myself together and we left for work.

Can you tell exactly where my bed's footboard ends?
Right at the height of my knee.

 So the combination hormones and lack of sleep can definitely have some interesting results. I already look back and this morning and I can’t help but laugh at myself, so feel free to join in.  

My Diagnosis, Part 1

I’ve been on birth control since I was about 14 years old.  Well, sort of.  I started taking it at 14 to help with my acne, and I was fairly consistent with it up until my husband at I were ready to start trying for our family.  There were some jogs in that time frame, and that’s how I figured out I had PCOS (or you know, the doctors figured it out and I did my part by showing up for tests!).

How did we figure it out? Well it started with my husband’s (then boyfriend’s) grandmother passing away. Things got a bit chaotic and I got a bit distracted, and I slipped up with taking my birth control pills.  I missed one day, then two days, and before I even realized it I had gone a week or two without taking my pill … whoops. This is where being on the pill from such a young age shows,

I was told when I first was prescribed the pill to wait until I had my period, then start on the pills the following Sunday. Easy peasy.  Well, when you have years of experience taking the pill, doctors are under the impression that you know what you are doing (and I thought I knew what I was doing too) so when I didn’t get my period, I waited for it to come, figuring I would just start my next set of pills when it came. So I waited … and took numerous pregnancy tests … and waited.  I waited some more (and you know, took a bunch of pregnancy tests) and waited.  No period.  I wasn’t terribly concerned because the women in my family have a history of irregular periods, so as long as I got a negative pregnancy test, I figured I would just wait.

My boyfriend wasn’t so happy when 11 months passed and I still hadn’t had a period. I think he might have been tired of the monthly anxiety of testing to see if I was actually pregnant all along.  He told me I should probably go see a doctor.  At this point I might have been tired of the anxiety too, so I agreed.  I made an appointment with an OB-GYN (well, technically a nurse practitioner).

To be continued ... (My Diagnosis, Part 2) 

Finally!

I know I just wrote the Training Wheels post, but what has been a day or so for you, has been almost a week for me.

I called the doctor yesterday (three calls from the pharmacy, two faxes (also from the pharmacy), and two calls from me later) and left a message with the nurse.  Lo and behold(!) I got a call about an hour later from the pharmacy that my prescription was finally ready for pickup. Yay! Only six days without pills.

Now to see how this cycle plays out ...

Getting Ahead of Myself

In  my first post, I realize that I didn't get much context as to who I am and what I am about.  I'm going by Phoenix, and I have PCOS (or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I was hoping to use this blog as my kind of journal or sounding board for my emotions and feelings.

I want to chronicle our (because my husband is most definitely a part of this) journey into growing our family.  We've been at it for just over six months, so we are still newbies to this.  I knew I had PCOS even before we started trying so it has shaped our path differently I feel.

When my husband and I decided to start trying, I went to the doctor first.  I wanted to know what we could do, in a minimal way at first, to help with the "trying-to-get-pregnant" process.  We didn't want to rush into fertility treatments, neither did my doctor for the record, because I am still young (25) and we wanted to give it a year before taking a more direct method.

So that's how I started with the Metformin.  I am not regular, and Metformin has been found to help regulate hormones, so my theory was that by being on these pills I would have a similar chance of getting pregnant as a woman who doesn't have the same issues as I do. More on that later ...

For now, thanks for coming!

Training Wheels

So the training wheels are off ... at least for this week.

I am not sure if I am anxious because my Metformin isn't in my system doing its job or if I am anxious because I am and not taking my Metformin and I'm not sure if this is going to set me (really, us) back in our journey to becoming pregnant.  Will my own hormones be able to pick up the slack without the pills there to guide them along, to help level them out?

I am feeling moodier lately, is that my hormones going farther out of whack?  Or is it because maybe (hopefully!) I am ovulating (or dare I dream, pregnant?)? Would it be too much to hope that my body can figure this out on its own for a bit? It's too soon to really know anything, so I am stuck in this swirl of worry and hoping.

Once I can finally help connect the dots between my doctor and the pharmacy and get my pills again (because its sooooo fun when the pharmacy can't refill your prescription because you have no refills left and neither the pharmacy or you can actually get a hold of your doctor so this issue can be resolved), I might be able to return to a sense of normalcy.

I can just hope that being a week or so without training wheels won't set me back too far.