Hope vs. Pessimism

That's the ongoing battle in my head at the moment, or to be honest, it has been going on since I have been trying to get pregnant.  I am just a bit too neurotic not to notice when I have a random change in my body.  Then it's the proverbial game of "Am I pregnant?"

In theory, if I had a normal 28 day cycle, my period would have started last Monday; shockingly (*sarcasm*), it did not. So I have started up the weekly testing cycle again.  I took one before my "missed" period (or should I say "missing") because I am driven myself crazy with imagined symptoms; negative. Then for the past week, it has been a battle in my head


...



"The water from our fridge is tasting funny, but the husband says he doesn't notice anything, am I pregnant?"

"Come on, let's be realistic, you're not pregnant, stop stressing yourself out."

"I have been more tired lately, maybe I'm pregnant ..."

"You've felt this way before and all the tests are negative.  Be realistic."

"It would be perfect if the test came out positive, it's a little early, but we could surprise everyone for Christmas."

"You're getting your hopes up for nothing."

"No matter what, I will have kids of my own, even if I have to adopt them. For sure, I will have a little one to love."

"I would love to experience the feeling of a baby growing inside me."

"It's never going to happen."

"Maybe this test will be the one."

"The app says I'm ovulating soon, so there's still hope?"

"Don't get your hopes up.  Your just making yourself anxious."


...


And so on, in circles in my head.  I found that trying to stay in the mindset of "not pregnant until proven otherwise" helps keep me in a better mindset overall.  In theory, it means that I will be surprised at myself when a test does potentially show positive; as well as, I am not utterly defeated when I get a negative test.

But there is always that glimmer of hope that I can't squash that says to me, "Maybe you'll be proven wrong this time.  Maybe you really are pregnant."  As much as I feign indifference, I am am optimist at heart.  When I enter a raffle, I am always like, "Oh, I never win these" but there's a tiny, tiny voice deep inside me that says "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe you'll win,  It's your turn this time."

So every time I take a test, that tiny, tiny voice whispers, "Maybe this time, maybe you'll win."

Let's hope that voice is right.