The Glimmer

The thing was, July was crazy.  After the news from my friends, I had two solid days of self pity.  I was unhappy, tired and just down in the dumps.  I had an emergency vent day with a close girlfriend, and we started talking about me.

Well, since my last cycle wasn't normal, I was having some doubts and questions about it.  So during our ladies night, I was telling my friend about the hook effect and how I was wondering if that was the case for me.  It is very rare (*cough* highly unlikely *cough*) but to test for it, you dilute the test urine and then test with a regular HCG pregnancy test.  So that night, I went home and tested for ovulation (it was day 19, if we were counting my last period) and then I added water and tested for pregnancy.  I waited and was impatient ... and nothing happened (note: if you do have the hook effect, after dilution, the lines come out very dark).  The ovulation test was looking a bit darker than it had been, but negative on the pregnancy test.  So instead of torturing myself and waiting the full 5 minutes in hopes of a faint line (let's face it, I wasn't pregnant), I decided to go watch TV with my husband and just relax.

About a half hour later, I wandered back into the bedroom and glanced at the tests as I was changing into more comfortable clothes. The ovulation test was almost positive, so I breathed a sigh of relief, like "Finally a positive ovulation test, maybe this is the cycle.  We can finally time this right and just maybe we can get pregnant soon."

To be continued ...

July Was Crazy

July was a crazy month.  I got news that someone close to me got pregnant, while using protection.  That was a huge blow.  Like seriously, I wanted to sob my eyes out, and there were moments in the days that followed that as I was driving to work, I would has a hysterical laughing fit, like "Is this really happening?"  Then I felt like a totally selfish person, because they didn't get pregnant at me and their pregnancy is its own special (and potentially complicated) experience that I would get to have the privilege of being there for.

But the emotions were so raw, that I couldn't bring myself to write about it at the time.

And really, I felt like it didn't reflect well upon me, with how I was feeling.  I felt like an ugly, jealous person. I was gracious and caring and supportive on the outside, but on the inside, my heart just stopped when we heard the news.  In fact, the whole moment seemed to happen in slow motion.  As soon as they opened up their mouth, I just knew what they were going to say.  The ugly part of me kept repeating the mantra, "You've been trying for over a year ... they got pregnant on accident".  I wasn't proud of myself.

Also, at the same time, my boss left for a three week vacation (it was planned, but our department is basically just the two of us, so his responsibilities fell to me).  Of course, the day after he leaves, suddenly everything goes crazy and the workload was immense.  No rest, that's for sure.

On top of that, we were planning a huge trip to see my husband's extended family at the end of July, flying with his parents, sister, her husband and their two kiddos (under the age of 2).  The whole month was just looking like it was going to be a huge draining void.  Not that I didn't want to see my husband's family, but flying across country is always an ordeal.

So yeah, I had basically written off the month.

Back on the Rollercoaster

So a few weeks back, I thought I had noticed some spotting in my underwear.  I was thinking, "Bummer, here's my period." but it never progressed past the two spots I first noticed in my underwear.  I started getting excited.  I started feeling crummy (slight nausea, fatigue, and occasional headaches) which made me super hopeful.  I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative.  I figured I had tested too early. I was convinced I was pregnant (like 75% convinced, the other 25% was telling myself not to get too hopeful). I waited for a week, and took another one.  Still negative.  Now I was only 50% convinced.  I waited another week.  Negative.

So now I was back to being cynical and apathetic about it.  I told myself I wasn't pregnant.  I told myself that if I kept up in that vein, not only would I stress myself out (during this three week span, my anxiety levels were pretty high (which might explain the nausea)), that I would drive myself crazy and have a phantom pregnancy.  So I took myself in my hand, gave myself a stern talking to and invested in some tension relieving essential oils (a mix of wintergreen, basil, chamomile, and rosemary).

Last Friday, I got my period.  It wasn't the same as my period has been.  My periods of late have been a reasonably heavy flow, and bright red.  This one was light and brown, and just not all that healthy seeming.  So I am concerned that I have been slacking off too much this past cycle. I haven't been exercising as much, and I have been more lenient in the reduction of sugar intake.  So I am thinking my hormones have been slacking off too.  A poor lining is a side effect of hormonal imbalance, so I am vowing to myself that I need to get my energy level back up and focus on exercising again.  I am already trying to eat better, so after I get done treating myself (I allow a sugar splurge during my period) I am going to work on resisting the temptation of sugar.

I am going to try and relax and not worry about the future so much.  I am back on the roller coaster, let's see how many ups and downs this ride will have.