July Was Crazy

July was a crazy month.  I got news that someone close to me got pregnant, while using protection.  That was a huge blow.  Like seriously, I wanted to sob my eyes out, and there were moments in the days that followed that as I was driving to work, I would has a hysterical laughing fit, like "Is this really happening?"  Then I felt like a totally selfish person, because they didn't get pregnant at me and their pregnancy is its own special (and potentially complicated) experience that I would get to have the privilege of being there for.

But the emotions were so raw, that I couldn't bring myself to write about it at the time.

And really, I felt like it didn't reflect well upon me, with how I was feeling.  I felt like an ugly, jealous person. I was gracious and caring and supportive on the outside, but on the inside, my heart just stopped when we heard the news.  In fact, the whole moment seemed to happen in slow motion.  As soon as they opened up their mouth, I just knew what they were going to say.  The ugly part of me kept repeating the mantra, "You've been trying for over a year ... they got pregnant on accident".  I wasn't proud of myself.

Also, at the same time, my boss left for a three week vacation (it was planned, but our department is basically just the two of us, so his responsibilities fell to me).  Of course, the day after he leaves, suddenly everything goes crazy and the workload was immense.  No rest, that's for sure.

On top of that, we were planning a huge trip to see my husband's extended family at the end of July, flying with his parents, sister, her husband and their two kiddos (under the age of 2).  The whole month was just looking like it was going to be a huge draining void.  Not that I didn't want to see my husband's family, but flying across country is always an ordeal.

So yeah, I had basically written off the month.