I'm a few days late but, it's infertility awareness week, so share it around!
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Crazy (INSERT VICE HERE) Lady
There's plenty of things I love. I love cats (so I could be the "Crazy Cat Lady"), I binge watch a lot of fantasy TV shows (so "Crazy Fandom Lady"), and I love crafting (I could be the "Crazy Craft Lady" or "Crazy Crochet Lady"); but lately a specific one of my vices has risen to the surface.
My emotions lately have been pretty frazzled. I have been more anxious and down than I have been up and joyful. I have been more self-conscious and taking more things personally than I should. I think I am just a bit more raw because I am slowly accepting that this might not happen without help. It is a lot to absorb, I think, and I feel like I am trying to balm over the hurt with one particular vice: sewing.
I have always enjoyed making things and lately I have been wanting to get more and more into quilting. But lately, I can't seem to control myself when I am in a fabric store, or any place that has fabric. I end up buying fabric for my stash, because "Oh, wouldn't this make darling dress for my niece?" or "I could make a quilt with that fabric!" or "That is such a great price, now is the time to buy!" ... or a thousand other excuses.
A couple weeks I organized my fabric stash, and I have two ginormous tubs of fabric, and still I couldn't stop myself from going to Joann's huge spring sale and spending (WAY) too much money on fabric that I don't have a plan for. My husband says he doesn't mind, that he has his vices too, but I don't need $80 worth of fabric (but because of the sale, I did sale $120, but still ...). And then the next day when I went solely for thread, I still bought more fabric.
I have a serious fabric addiction, and I think it's because I desperately want to make projects for my future kiddo, but I can't until there's a kiddo to make stuff for. So I stash the fabric and plan. I want to do something constructive, so I tend to make things for my niece and nephew, but it doesn't quite fill the void.
I guess it is slightly better than eating to make myself feel better, but I need to knock it off. I am planning on making some use-it-up projects to give to friends, or maybe sell, but right now I just feel like a hoarder, who is trying to make herself feel better with objects. I'm pretty sure that's not super healthy.
So for today, the Crazy Fabric Lady signs off,
My emotions lately have been pretty frazzled. I have been more anxious and down than I have been up and joyful. I have been more self-conscious and taking more things personally than I should. I think I am just a bit more raw because I am slowly accepting that this might not happen without help. It is a lot to absorb, I think, and I feel like I am trying to balm over the hurt with one particular vice: sewing.
I have always enjoyed making things and lately I have been wanting to get more and more into quilting. But lately, I can't seem to control myself when I am in a fabric store, or any place that has fabric. I end up buying fabric for my stash, because "Oh, wouldn't this make darling dress for my niece?" or "I could make a quilt with that fabric!" or "That is such a great price, now is the time to buy!" ... or a thousand other excuses.
A couple weeks I organized my fabric stash, and I have two ginormous tubs of fabric, and still I couldn't stop myself from going to Joann's huge spring sale and spending (WAY) too much money on fabric that I don't have a plan for. My husband says he doesn't mind, that he has his vices too, but I don't need $80 worth of fabric (but because of the sale, I did sale $120, but still ...). And then the next day when I went solely for thread, I still bought more fabric.
I have a serious fabric addiction, and I think it's because I desperately want to make projects for my future kiddo, but I can't until there's a kiddo to make stuff for. So I stash the fabric and plan. I want to do something constructive, so I tend to make things for my niece and nephew, but it doesn't quite fill the void.
I guess it is slightly better than eating to make myself feel better, but I need to knock it off. I am planning on making some use-it-up projects to give to friends, or maybe sell, but right now I just feel like a hoarder, who is trying to make herself feel better with objects. I'm pretty sure that's not super healthy.
So for today, the Crazy Fabric Lady signs off,
Thursday, April 21, 2016
The "I" Word
I wrote this blog post over a year ago, right after the call to make my first appointment to consult with a doctor about getting pregnant. I was still a bright eyed, hopeful (naive) person, that thought that maybe I would be lucky and that I wouldn't be effected by the issues I knew I had. That maybe it could be easy. I wasn't yet analyzing everything and I hadn't yet felt the disappointment of trying without results. I was still new to all of this.
~
It had always been there, lurking in my subconscious. I know I have these issues, in fact, I have read a ton of people's experiences with these issues. I find the human body fascinating, and this time was no different, other than the fact that I was also effected by this one.
My husband and I are still newlyweds, but we have started talking about having kids, or at least trying, soon. His sister just had a sweet little girl, and we definitely want kids, so we thought we'd start trying on our anniversary, which is still months away.
Well, I have lady part issues, aka PCOS or Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and it was diagnosed a couple years ago. For me, it has always meant irregular periods and wacky hormones and being on the pill. When it was diagnosed, kids were a dream for the future, not the present. So I knew, when my husband and I started talking kids, that I wanted to see a doctor before we started just so we were prepared for what might happen.
So this morning, I called the doctors office to set up an appointment with an OB-GYN so I could talk to someone who knows more about these things than I do. Everything was going nice and smooth, when she said, "So this is about infertility, right?"
My heart sank and tears came unbidden to my eyes. Infertility. That is an aspect of PCOS that I had never applied to myself. I mean, why would I? I have had these issues since I was a young teen, and even after I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted kids but not for years yet. Through all my reading, I KNEW that infertility and PCOS go hand in hand, I had read the stories of people who had a hard road to getting pregnant, but I never made it that personal.
So I managed to finish making my appointment, then I broke down into a sobbing ball in my big chair. I just couldn't handle it. I have always, ALWAYS, wanted kids and that word means it may not happen. Infertility. I feel like I am a broken commodity. My husband has always been super supportive, he was even at the doctor's appointment with me when I got diagnosed and when the doctor explained what it all meant, but I don't think he has accepted this personally either. It wasn't our reality yet.
I could just be being silly; overreacting before we even get started, but boy, does it hurt my heart. I want to be a mom, but my body might just get in the way.
~
It had always been there, lurking in my subconscious. I know I have these issues, in fact, I have read a ton of people's experiences with these issues. I find the human body fascinating, and this time was no different, other than the fact that I was also effected by this one.
My husband and I are still newlyweds, but we have started talking about having kids, or at least trying, soon. His sister just had a sweet little girl, and we definitely want kids, so we thought we'd start trying on our anniversary, which is still months away.
Well, I have lady part issues, aka PCOS or Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and it was diagnosed a couple years ago. For me, it has always meant irregular periods and wacky hormones and being on the pill. When it was diagnosed, kids were a dream for the future, not the present. So I knew, when my husband and I started talking kids, that I wanted to see a doctor before we started just so we were prepared for what might happen.
So this morning, I called the doctors office to set up an appointment with an OB-GYN so I could talk to someone who knows more about these things than I do. Everything was going nice and smooth, when she said, "So this is about infertility, right?"
My heart sank and tears came unbidden to my eyes. Infertility. That is an aspect of PCOS that I had never applied to myself. I mean, why would I? I have had these issues since I was a young teen, and even after I was diagnosed, I knew I wanted kids but not for years yet. Through all my reading, I KNEW that infertility and PCOS go hand in hand, I had read the stories of people who had a hard road to getting pregnant, but I never made it that personal.
So I managed to finish making my appointment, then I broke down into a sobbing ball in my big chair. I just couldn't handle it. I have always, ALWAYS, wanted kids and that word means it may not happen. Infertility. I feel like I am a broken commodity. My husband has always been super supportive, he was even at the doctor's appointment with me when I got diagnosed and when the doctor explained what it all meant, but I don't think he has accepted this personally either. It wasn't our reality yet.
I could just be being silly; overreacting before we even get started, but boy, does it hurt my heart. I want to be a mom, but my body might just get in the way.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Working Through Some Stuff
My birthday passed and I am officially 26 and not-pregnant. The past month and a half have been a roller coaster of up's and down's. My emotions have been all over the place (not terribly surprising) and every time I get my hopes up, because I think I feel pregnant (not that I know what that feels like) I get confirmation that, of course, I'm not pregnant. I had my period once since the last time I posted, and I am back in the "Two Week Wait" ... except I'm not.
I am now part of a Facebook group of awesome ladies that are trying to conceive, and they like to talk about the dreaded TTW (two week wait) between ovulation and getting their period, or being able to test to see if they are pregnant. The problem is, I have what I call the "2+ Week Wait" because I don't know when I ovulate and therefore, don't know when to test or when my period should arrive. I am officially back in the "+" part of my wait, and this morning's tests (ovulation and pregnancy) were both negative. So I'm still waiting.
In addition to the "Trying to Conceive" group, I have also officially joined an Infertility group as well. We've been trying for over a year now, with no pregnancy (failed or not) and I am finally accepting that I fall into this group. It's been tough, but it doesn't feel as raw as it did when I first heard that term where it might apply to me (I wrote a post, my first post about my journey, but never published it. I will soon.) So now that I am more accepting of this, I have had a doctor's appointment, and tests have been ordered. I just have to wait to schedule them until I get my period. So more waiting.
I am now part of a Facebook group of awesome ladies that are trying to conceive, and they like to talk about the dreaded TTW (two week wait) between ovulation and getting their period, or being able to test to see if they are pregnant. The problem is, I have what I call the "2+ Week Wait" because I don't know when I ovulate and therefore, don't know when to test or when my period should arrive. I am officially back in the "+" part of my wait, and this morning's tests (ovulation and pregnancy) were both negative. So I'm still waiting.
In addition to the "Trying to Conceive" group, I have also officially joined an Infertility group as well. We've been trying for over a year now, with no pregnancy (failed or not) and I am finally accepting that I fall into this group. It's been tough, but it doesn't feel as raw as it did when I first heard that term where it might apply to me (I wrote a post, my first post about my journey, but never published it. I will soon.) So now that I am more accepting of this, I have had a doctor's appointment, and tests have been ordered. I just have to wait to schedule them until I get my period. So more waiting.
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